It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside

So I have had quite a lot on my mind on what to post recently- but only just getting around to it now, woops! I've got one thing I'd like to talk about, and as we all know- I'm too good at the talking thing so who knows how well my point would be put across!

Okay so here we go :)

My main thoughts recently have been about mental health (no surprise there huh?) and how to break the stigma of mental illness and talking about mental illness vs physical illness and I realised that actually, for all my talk I'm a big part of the problem.

The thing is- when people ask me why I do particular things and the reason is my depression, I feel embarrassed to tell them that's why. Why didn't I get out of bed yesterday morning? This is because I was stuck in bed depressed, but I don't like to admit that. I feel ashamed of my depression, I feel that everyone I know is just going to think that I am faking it or anything along those lines and so when I admit these things I automatically feel judged.

So here lies the problem- I don't talk about it because I'm afraid of the stigmas/don't think I'm good enough and yet actually that reinforces the idea that you shouldn't talk about it. I don't like this one bit- and so the only thing I can do is change my end of the story.

I have depression. And I am not ashamed of it. It sucks and it is just the most annoying thing ever- but I am not ashamed of it. If you have any questions or anything ever- I'm willing to talk about it. Maybe not like, the ridiculous problems behind the depression and things I need to work through, that is a privilege allowed for those close to me- but talking about the depression itself, ask away. I refuse to let the stigma hold me back any longer.

Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me

'Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.'

I remember singing this in Church a while ago (last September actually - that's now behind I am in my blog thoughts) and was really very challenged. God just said to me- 'Do you really believe that Sarah?'
This is not just me believing in his love and goodness and his love for me. God never gives up on me. His love for me will never run out.
- That's a pretty crazy thought huh?
I'm still not sure if I fully believe it- but there you go! I'm working on it.

But I'm gonna challenge you now!
Do you believe that God's love can never fail you? That his love never gives up on you? That it could never run out on you? If you don't- why not?

Ponder on that for a while. Have a new (or first!) revelation of his love. I dare you.
Love & Blessings.
Sarah x

I need more time

So, this post was not really planned so I have no idea how it's going to turn out- just a bit of a warning for you all! Let's hope some point comes across :)

If you didn't know- this past Thursday was world mental health day, a day which means a lot to me. Mental Health stigma needs to stop- full stop. There's nothing okay about it. People looking like you and acting like you're simply faking it and that you're looking for attention is just- horrendous. When you feel as bad as you do you cannot imagine how horrible it is when no one even slightly understands, when you feel the whole world is against you and people then tell you that actually what you're feeling is pretty much invalid- it just adds to those feelings making you feel worse than you did in the first place.

Basically- this is no joke. Life is genuinely difficult with depression- worse than you can imagine. I was gonna write a bit about my experiences but I can't really think much today which makes it harder to describe. But here

Imagine if you've broken your leg, and people would refuse to give you crutches saying it was all in your head- it's similar to that. I know it's only an analogy but imagine how mad you would be if you had a broken leg and people refused to give you help. It would be rubbish. And it's rubbish for me too.

It's a real thing- mental illness, you get absolutely no choice in the matter- it's not like you are just unappreciative, there is nothing within you that wants you to be happy, even when you are- there's this part of you which is jut waiting for you to sink and you end up feeling worse than you did to begin with. Can you imagine how guilty we feel when we know how good we've got it? You know how awesome my life is? I have brilliant friends- a brilliant family, I want for practically nothing. And yet I still hate my life. How ridiculous is that?I I want to be happy- I want to enjoy my life- my brain literally refuses to. It's horrific.

I'm not really sure what my point is- but whatevs. Here you go. ♥ 
Love & Blessings,
Sarah

No Work too Hard for Him

One of the many posts I've written over the summer holidays so here we go-


"No work to hard for him, in faith receive from him."

-This is from one of my favourite songs (link will be posted at the bottom of this post.)

Fellow depressees, PD's, BP's, etc- read this and have comfort.
There is no work that is too hard for Jesus.
Sometimes, at least for me, it feels like I have so so so many issues and unresolved feelings and self-hatred that I am never gonna get out of this mess. Each step I try and untangle myself I just come out with some many more problems I feel even worse than I did when I started. I judy think to myself- WHAT IS THE POINT??

Then I am reminded of this phrase- no work is too hard for him. If God can move mountains, can turn back death itself- then there must be hope for someone like me. If I put my trust in him- I must be able to get out of this mess. There is always hope.

Love and Blessings, Sarah x

(Short but sweet huh?) I also apologise for the really cheesy video but what can you do?

You're Beautiful For Me

Man it's been a long time, I can't even remember what font I use or anything- I think I might need to remodel my blog anyway- but yes. If this is a little sketchy I apologise- it'll probably be a lot rough around the edges.

So I wrote a bunch of blogs on paper over the summer holidays (well... 3) and I never posted them so I thought I would now (that and I am not having the greatest day so I just need to focus on Jesus right now.) So here we go.. I'll post one today, and then another tomorrow and another on Sunday I reckon- we'll see- you know how bad I am at keeping promises about updating my blog haha.

Okay. So this is called-

Life Verses♥

Do you have one? Do you even know what I mean when I say life verse? 
I didn't really recognise mine for what they were until Steve's funeral when Daniel told us about Steves. (Man I miss Steve and Mandy.) I like to think of it as a verse that sums up your identity and purpose. One that you can hold on to and aspire to on your bad days, just for some encouragement and refreshment.

I have two (yay me.)
One, was given to me on my baptism day, and one that the person who gave it to me was more certain than ever  before that I was meant to receive that verse. (Didn't write that down properly I don't think- What she said was that she was never more certain of God telling her to do this particular thing. You know when you think he wants you to do something or give someone a verse or picture but you're not sure? Yeah, except this verse she gave me was the one time she knew in her heart so strongly that God wanted her to do this, she had more conviction for it than ever before about any word of picture. MAN that was long-winded and probably didn't make any sense, sorry!) The verse goes:

'The Lord your God has chosen you out of all of the peoples of the earth to be his own, his treasured possession,' Deut 7:6 

If you know me at all- you will probably have some idea of why this verse is so special to me, and why I cling to it till this day. If you don't know me, basically it's like this- I am incredibly insecure, and I have had the constant belief for as long as I've lived that I was never worth anything, and always second rate- not worth it. So hearing something like this- he chose ME out of everyone- is a pretty darn big deal.

The second was given to me about a year ago; it says-

'Glorious things are said of you, O city of Zion... and they will say- this one was born in Zion.' Psalm 87

Often when I'm having a bad day and feeling, let's say- not so great about being alive - I am always prompted this verse. It is a sign of hope for my future. I am fighting this for a reason, to fight for God's Kingdom in the area of Mental Health- This is God's plan, and I will get there. Thank you Jesus

Basically, the point of this verse was to encourage you to find a life-verse, it is such a blessing to have over my life. (and this is what I had written down on the end of my written version-) Basics- I think you should find yours, because it's a massive encouragement.



So that's it folks. Hope it made some sense and that you are blessed. Major love and prayers for you all. 
Love and Blessings,
Sarah
♥

Chronic Illness

So, I thought I'd just give a short explanation of everything that's going on right now. The strange thing is, that people - including myself - have a great difficulty grasping the idea of being chronically mentally ill.
We don't get better in the same way other illnesses do. If you had the flu, for example, a good day would be where you could st up in bed- with depression, a good day means something like not feeling completely miserable all day long. It's very different. It's not something you can visibly see.
I keep expecting myself to be better knowledge of being able to cope. I've got my last counselling session (with uni) tomorrow and I feel like I should be feeling a lot better by now- but it just doesn't work like that. I've made one comment about myself which was actually vaguely kind and that's all I've managed. It doesn't feel like much, but it is progress.
I think my point is this- if you know someone who is struggling with a chronic mental illness- try to understand that it doesn't work in the way we expect it to, be patient alongside them, and encourage them in any progress they made - it makes the long road a lot easier to travel.
Love and Blessings.
Sarah x

Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere

As some of you may know, two weeks ago my student pastor and girlfriend died in a car crash on the motorway. I wanted to write something to just show how much they meant to me and the world but nothing I could think of seemed good enough. But I wrote a bit about it on the train on the way to Sheffield last week, so I'm gonna write it on here. I'm not sure whether I'll post it on my facebook or anything, I think this is just for me to process. Who knows? Either way, here goes:

If there were any two people I know who were gonna get into heaven for sures, apart from Jesus, it is Steve and Mandy.

Unfortunately, these two beautiful people went home on Saturday night after dying in a car crash on the motorway after being hit by a drunk driver. We, who are still on earth, are absolutely heartbroken. They were taken so much earlier than we hoped and it has come as a complete shock, especially to myself, as this is the first deaths of anyone that was close to me. I can barely let it sink in, I keep having to ask myself whether this really happened.

Steve was excited to see God's glory on earth, but what his heart truly desired was heaven. The last thing I remember him saying was - "I'm just praying that Jesus would come back now! I mean earth is great and everything but sometimes I get so sick of it-Jesus come back already!" (Those weren't his specific words but it was along those lines anyway.) For this reason, I smile when I think that he has gotten his hearts desire. I'm sure Mandy felt similarly. 

I thought I'd come to a point by now, but I don't seem to. I guess this is just my way of processing my grief.

Steve, Mandy. You two are sorely missed, a testament to how deeply and successfully you served and loved. You were two of the good ones. Your complete desire for Jesus first and foremost was inspiring. The first time I saw you worship Steve at the synergy AGM with your arms stretched so wide to Spirit break Out, something in my heart stirred, and I knew that I wanted to find that joy in the spirit that you had, which is what prompted my move to antioch. To you I am eternally grateful- save me a song on the piano up in heaven!

Mandy- you are one of the most beautiful, kind hearted souls I have ever had the fortune of meeting. No matter how depressed I was feeling your presence brought so much joy because you radiated Jesus. It was Phenomenal. Very few people have been able to break my shell of depression, but you did. I didn't see you that often, but I don't have a single bad memory of being with you- a testament to your goodness.

I miss you both so much. I think of you everyday. Can't wait to see you in heaven. It'll be the best Jesus party ever. Until then, with much love,

Sarah xxx

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now

Just thought I'd do a fun 'this is me' thingyabob. I'm not even sure what this'll involve yet, I'm just making it up as I go along.

♥I REALLY love Jesus. Like. a LOT. I know I say that all the time but he just so deserves it! He has chosen me to do amazing things for his kingdom and I am so honoured. I cannot wait for the day where I get to stand in front of all those people with mental illnesses and let them know that God loves them. That he did not plan for this happen, yes he will use it for his goodness but he is right there in our pain. I have no idea how this dream of mine is gonna plan out, but it is so important for me. I want to help people who have felt the despair I've felt, to let them know life is worth living. They are worthy of life and God's love. That is what I want to do with my life. I don't really want  money (although enough to you know... live would be pretty nice) or to be well respected or anything. All I want is to help. I hope to do this someday.

I had so much more I wanted to say but now my brain has gone blank! So I'm gonna stop writing now and relax for the evening before another week of work (yay...)
GOD BLESS YOU GUYS xxxxxxxxx

I have died everyday waiting for you

Hey guys. Long time no type.
I don't even really know what the point of today's post is, I just  felt I needed to apologise because I really haven't been around much recently. Like, at all.
Even when I'm hanging out with my friends I'm not really there you know? I'm not really functioning all that well at the moment, pretty much all I can manage is doing my essays (somewhat badly may I add..) and maybe half an hour in the interval.
My friends deserve so much more than what I am giving them, I promise you guys I'll try to be better.
I guess this is just saying that actually, I know I'm not good at showing it right now, but I love you all so much. ♥

Quiz Times

Is there a boy in your life?

There is not.

If you woke up naked next to the last person who texted you, what would your reaction be?

I'd probably be freaked out.

Think of the last person who hurt you. Do you forgive them?

Everyone deserves forgiveness.

What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Kelly. (and her Cat Kernow)

What’s something you really want right now?

I don't even know.

Are you afraid of falling in love?

Not so much. With the wrong person really.

Do you like the beach?

It's pretty much my favourite thing.

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I have indeed.

What’s the background on your cell?

A beautiful sunset with lightning. It's just really pretty.

Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine. Thomas's. Maybe my bed at home?

Do you like your phone?

I love my phone. ♥

Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

In some aspects.

Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Oh I'm not sure. Probably someone for agape purposes.

Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

I'd quite like my doggies.

Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

I like both. I do like animals.

Are you tired?

I'm always tired.

How long have you known your first cell phone contact?

My whole life.

Are they a relative?

Yup.

If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I would.

How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

None.

Is there a certain quote you live by?

'There's good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.'

Whats on your mind?

Dawson's Creek.

Do you have any tattoos?

I do not.

Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

No idea.

Who are you texting?

I don't know, my phone's on charge in the corner.

Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I do.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I do not.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

They have.

Were you single on Valentines Day?

I was.

What do your friends call you?

Sarah. Sparsons.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes.

Have you ever cried over a text?

Yes.

Where’s your last bruise located?

On my knees.

Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

This week.

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My mummy.

Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

I do not.

Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

Don't think so. I like my hair.

Do you make supper for your family?

Sometimes.

Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes? 

Top 3 web-pages?

Facebook. Twitter. 1channel.ch

Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

A few.

Does anything on your body hurt?

Yes.

How are you?

Standard.

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Haha probably Wine.

How is your hair?

Haven't checked.

What do you usually do first in the morning?

Go back to sleep.

Do you think two people can last forever?

Could not agree more.

Think back to January 2007, were you single?

I was not. 

When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Not sure.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Maybe.

When will be the next time you text someone?

Next time I check my phone.

Where will you be 5 hours from now?

On my way home from Church.

How old do you look?

I have no idea.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yup.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Yup.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Nope.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

No idea.

Have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

Many times.

How many windows are open on your computer?

2. 

And all these little things

Felt like doing some boring questions. 'cause I feels like it.

Are You Dating The Last Person You Kissed? 
I am not.

Song You're listening to? 
Watching a film.

Your bestfriend likes your last ex, you say? 
Is it bad that I can't even remember who that was?

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? 
Technically no, but yes.

What color are your eyes? 
Dark brown.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? 
Always.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? 
I don't think so. I might call Jon though, I miss him! Probably tomorrow.

Can you honestly say that looks don't matter? 
Jesus made them like that, so I guess not!

Ever kissed someone that smokes? 
Yes.

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours? 
Sure have.

Was today a good day? 
Apart from the rugby... yes!

Do you get mad easily? 
Probably.

Where do you see yourself in the next 2 years? 
I will be on my gap year.

Plans for tomorrow? 
Church and other Jesus things.

Last awkward moment? 
Hmmm... can't remember to be honest.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? 
Sure have.

Think of the 1st person on your top whats your relationship?
No idea what this question is actually asking!

What woke you up this morning? 
My mummy I thinks. 

Do you take compliments well? 
Not really. Am trying though.

In the past week have you cried? 
Are you kidding?

Last thing you ate? 
Leek and Potato Pasty :)

On average, what do you think you cry about the most? 
Silly illness.

Are you cheating on someone right now? 
I am not.

Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? 
Yeah.

If you could do something differently, would you go back? 
I'm not sure.

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning? 
Night :) 

If your last ex said they hate you, you say? 
Again, not sure who that was..

How did your day go yesterday? 
It went well thankyou.

Who was the last person you saw who wasn't family? 
Miss Kelly Louise Dunstan.

Ever been on a blind date? 
I have not.

Anything you want to tell someone? 
Yes.

What were you doing last night at midnight? 
Waiting for AVPSY to come onto youtube :)

Who was the last person you gave your number to? 
Haha think it was James.

How many letters are in your last name? 
7.

What are you excited about? 
Roma!

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? 
I wouldn't like to.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? 
Always.

Who's the last person that made you smile? 
Ryan Gosling.

Who do you tell everything to? 
Jesus.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? 
I like to think so.

Last time you had an alcoholic beverage? 
About an hour ago?

What's your favorite drink? 
Hmmmmm... not sure.

Last time you were seriously embarrassed? 
Haha let's not go there.

How many girls/guys have you dated in 2008? 
2008? Man that was written ages ago... 2/3?

Who was the last person to seriously make you upset? 
A friend.

Could you honestly say you love someone right now? 
Yes.

Has anyone ever called you a slut? 
Yes.

Are you wearing socks right now? 
I am not.

What is the last movie you watched?
The notebook.

Do you know anyone that works at a movie theater? 
Sure do.

What about a hospital? 
Yup.

Who's bed besides your own were you in last? 
Haha.. Tom's :)

Have you ever wanted to be a vet? 
Don't think so.

Where will your next kiss take place? 
No idea.

Have you ever fed ducks? 
Yeah I have.

Has a stranger ever asked if they could take your picture? 
Yes they have.

Is there someone from your past that you're still attached to? 
Don't think so.

How long does it usually take you to fix your hair? 
Haha not long at all.

Have you ever dyed your hair? 
I have not. 

Do you ever go in pet stores just to look at the pets? 
Yes :D

Have you ever ran over a turtle? 
Err no?

Do you actually read surveys that other people post? 
I do.

Have you ever been bitten by a cat? 
I have.

What about by a goose? 
Don't think so?

Do you ever watch Saturday Night Live? 
I do not.

Has anyone ever called you emo? 
Yes.

Do you think anyone will actually read this survey? 
Doubt it.

Have you ever dated someone and later found out that they were gay? 
Nope.

Do cocky people annoy you? 
Sometimes. 

Do you personally know anyone that is in a band? 
Yeah.

What color shirt are you wearing? 
Blue.

Have you ever had a pet goat? 
Nope.

Does anyone on your top friends play drums? 
Man this really is old!

What about guitar? 
Yes.

Is it annoying when you're hanging out with someone and they text other people? 
Sometimes. 

Out of your friends, who is the best singer? 
Hmm.. not sure.

Has anyone ever just broke into song in the middle of school? 
Yes.

Do you regret kissing anyone? 
Errrrmmmm 

Do you regret not kissing someone? 
Yes.

Have you ever cursed someone out in front of your parents? 
Yes.

They come in pints?

I shall start this blog with an apology, because the title has absolutely nothing with what I'm about to write- I just thought of the quote from LOTR and it made me laugh so I typed it in.

I was sat here for a little while, knowing I'm supposed to write in here but wasn't sure what I was meant to write up, so I started looking through my phone on what I've wanted to write about before but never had the time too- and now I've figured something out. Yay.

So here we go. I'm a fun child aren't I? Never really getting to the point. Okay now I'm actually gonna type on topic.

We had this sermon a few weeks ago at my Church in Sheffield (which btw, are AWESOME) and it's about unholy content and I have the verse Phillipians 4:12

 I’m glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you’re again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don’t mean that your help didn’t mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.

And in my head I was just like- IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M NOT CONTENT, and felt a little condemned, not gonna lie. But then I had to fight myself and be like- God does not condemn me, and it's completely different whilst suffering a mental illness (I think I may have written about this a few weeks ago, but thankfully this is not my point today so this isn't a complete waste of time to read.)

But then I was thinking and was like- being depressed is not an excuse to simply hate my life. Yes. I am often apathetic about it, yes I cry a lot, yes it is very hard. But allowing myself to wallow in that? Not only does that make me feel worse, but it is simply not useful! 

There is a very thin line within this, I am well aware. I understand that we can't help it all of the time, but when we allow it to define us, that is not okay. And if this comes across as condemning I want to apologise- that is not my point whatsoever!  

Joyce Meyer often talks about fighting yours thoughts, and the bible talks about taking them captive, and I think this is a principle we choose to ignore because it's like- we have a free pass. I know I do that- I'll be like- well I'm allowed to wallow in my emotions, accept that this is my destiny because I've got depression- but actually, that is not what God wants for us.

He wants us to have life, and life to the full. This is naturally very difficult but if there are ways that can make us better, if only a little bit. I believe it's worthwhile.

So guys. This is my point. Don't settle for our misery. DO NOT SETTLE. Having a mental illness does not give us a free pass to dwell on our emotions. True, it really cannot be helped how we feel most of the time, but don't encourage it! That'll only make us worse. Practically, I don't even know how this will work for each person, I don't even know how to apply it to my own life, but I have this feeling God will work that out somehow. If I'm having a bad day, yes I may need to be on my own and rest, but that doesn't mean I have to give up. Fighting doesn't necessarily mean having to go out of the house, and being constantly busy, but maybe just getting out of bed and getting changed, or whatever it might be for you. Let's not settle. That's it.

Love you guys.
I doubt I articulated (would that be the word to use seeing as I'm writing this down, I don't even know!) this well, I'm not great with words. But I hope you can see what I'm saying anyway.
God thinks you're special, and he loves you very much!
BYE x  

Some nights I call it a draw

So I'm really not doing okay at the moment.
This isn't a cry for help or anything, just a fact. I'm really really not okay. I'm a shell of brokeness.
But I don't know how to ask for help. Mainly because I don't know what to say.
My brain is a blank. Like- there's nothing there, so I feel so guilty asking for time with people because I'm just a bore. 
I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. Because it's so different to how I normally am whilst depressed. That's just how it is these days.
I'm not sure how to write this post, or what it's purpose is. That is just what I'm saying I guess. I'm a lot confused.

Okay I guess I'll stop writing now.
Blessings.
x