I've been thinking this through for a long time now. Trying to figure out how exactly to write down my feelings, explain to people what's really going on.
Although I'm gonna be honest here, I don't really want people to know what's going on! But I know that I can't keep shutting out my friends, because I know they can't help as there's nothing they can do to make me feel better. But in some way I think I owe them this. The ones that do know my condition in Sheffield have been an absolute dream, I've never been so surrounded by people in my life, and I am so grateful. But at the same time I feel so lonely, so shut out from everyone else. They don't know because they can't. It's not me being a stupid teenager, I know other people feel pain, but this is different. This pain is not circumstantial, actually my life is relatively good now, the best it's been in years. I have every reason to be happy, and I know that.
But I can't.
I can't be happy.
Trust me, I'm trying my best. Trying so so so hard. Harder than you can possibly imagine.
But still, I end up crying when I go to bed at night. I lock myself in my room at least once a day at the moment and just cry and lie there because I can't deal with all this emotion that's inside of me. This depression has it's entire grip on me. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm on the medication, and that helps. It does. Before I started taking them I was a complete mess, and pretty much numb to the world, that and absolutely terrified of myself. But now I can feel. I have life in my eyes again (or so my mum tells me.) But all I feel is misery.
No matter what happens during the day, whether I have fun, whether I have worked my butt of, no matter what I do I end up needing to cry. Needing a friend, needing a hug.
But how do you explain that to someone?
People always come up to you and say "what's wrong?" I mean- it's a normal reaction, when people are sad it's generally because of circumstances. Or Hormones. But I have no explanation. What can I say? Oooh no, my family love me to pieces, my friends are beauts, my relationship with God can be improved but tbh it always can, and my Church are amazing, and I'm doing alright at uni. NOTHING IS WRONG. I have no reason to complain and I don't feel like moaning! Just. I'm sad. I'm really really sad.
And I really need some understanding but I don't let myself near anyone because I don't deserve comfort when other people are actually having circumstantial problems that MATTER. Every day I'm gonna feel like this. I have a feeling that's not gonna change anytime soon. But still. I could really do with some friends right now. And I SUCK at asking for help. literally, people have to tell me they're going to help or I would never ask for it. I'm too scared to do that. so yeah.
