So, there I was, walking back home after meeting with a very dear friend and I walked past the Christian book shop, and debated in my head for a while whether I should go in. I had always meant to but just never got around to it, but for this moment it seemed like it was everything I wanted to do. And so my divine appointment began. Man I love divine appointments! When God just blesses you and is like, out there just to look after you personally (obviously it's not all about me, but sometimes I feel like God is looking out for everyone but me, and so when these things happen it reminds me that he does in fact love me too.) The first thing I saw when I walked in was a book called "living with depression?" on sale for 50p! I knew instantly that I was meant to read this book. This woman knows exactly my feelings and it is making me cry constantly but is also giving me assurance.
ANYWAY. At the end of the book there is a chapter full of tips for people who want to help. And yeah, I just felt it would be a good idea to write these out. My friend the other day was like, "what exactly do you expect when you ask for help?" and I honestly didn't know, but I laughed at the truthfulness of this chapter and thought it might be cool. OBVIOUSLY this is not meant as a- you must help me in this way and if you don't you're a bad friend- or anything like that, it is simply just pretty cool. And as I feel very called to help depressed people, giving people advice on little ways they can help is never a bad idea!
So yes. Here goes. (I should probably copyright this right? it is a book called - "living with depression?" by Elaine Brown. Christian Focus Publications 1997)
♥DON'T ask 'How are you?' That is a difficult question to answer with honesty, and in a sentence or two.
♥DO ask 'How have you felt today?' 'How has this week been?' That i much easier to cope with.
♥STEER CLEAR of 'I never thought you'd fall for that,' whether spoken or implied. It triggers needless guilt and distress.
♥NEVER SAY - 'Snap out of it!' You wouldn't use those words to someone with appendicitis etc. This sufferer is ill too.
♥NEVER SAY- 'Surely it can't be as bad as that? How do you know? Mental anguish is intensely painful.
♥STEER CLEAR OF - 'What reason have you got to be more depressed when other people are suffering so much more?' This comment not only implies a complete lack of sympathy but it also induces needless, unhelpful guilt.
♥DO assure of your prayers, specially when a doctor's appointment or a new challenge has to be faced. Be careful to follow-through on the promise.
♥DO be available if asked 'Will you come and pray with me?' or 'May I visit you?'
♥DO send an affectionate note, and maybe a quotation or a brief hymn. Go cautiously with Bible verses. One friend confided, 'I'm tired of kindly-meant Bible quotes, they frustrate me in my present state of mind.'
♥DO give flowers or other small gifts, just as you would to any other ill person. You may be stuck for words but such gifts speak most appropriately instead.
♥DO call in with some home-baking or a pot of soup. These tempt a poor appetite and convey your care in an unforgettable way.
♥DO offer light reading, magazines, puzzle books. Music cassettes or recorded books (and the New Testament) can also be a big help. Don't swamp the person, however! Then, as well, it has meant much when a friend has stopped to read me a short section from a book or from the Bible.
♥DON'T offer your favourite theological tomes, even if they do give a helpful angle on suffering etc. Any heavy books are inadvisable, and also those that have an accusatory/corrective tone. I struggled through one of these and it left me even more depressed.
♥DO offer an impromptu outing. A country drive with a coffee stop perhaps?
♥DO show affection. A touch of the hand, a warm hug, a kiss conveys so much more than words. It assures a person that they're loved, valued and accepted, even though circumstances have bowled them right over. (THIS. For me espesh, I know hugs are just my favourite)
♥DO offer humour as/when appropriate. A funny story or a humourous book lightens the day and laughter is very therapeutic.
♥DO offer a listening, sympathetic ear, even if it means sitting silent for a long time. (Never look at your watch!) This offered gift of time and the opportunity to release pent up fears and feelings is much appreciated, and the outcome very beneficial. This is one of the greatest ways in which you can help.
♥While listening DON'T give any shocked glances or look askance at the sufferer.
♥After listening DON'T offer advice, unless asked, and never dismiss or belittle fears. Instead a perceptive comment may well be helpful and will reveal understanding.
♥DON'T watch and wait for evidence of a scattered, forgetful mind. It is hard to feel as if you are under surveillance. Never comment on failings or inefficiencies, to the person concerned or to others. Instead come alongside with love and helpfulness.
♥DO show genuine understanding when a person can't fulfil a commitment, even though they seem well enough. Continually make allowances, and often reassurance.
♥DO encourage the person to take up an activity or helping task that is within their range, and share pleasure in their progress, even if it is slow and intermittent.
♥Above all, keep on BELIEVING IN THEM AND FOR THEM. Stay with them all the way, through eager progress and lengthy setbacks. DON'T get tired of caring for them, nor allow concern to diminish. A person with a depressive illness needs to know that you are still rooting for them, whatever.
Though guys, remember that this is entirely one person's opinion on ways that can help, and obviously one does not need to do all of these things to help. But if you know someone who's struggling any one of these things can make the hugest of difference so I would recommend it big time!
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