Chronic Illness

So, I thought I'd just give a short explanation of everything that's going on right now. The strange thing is, that people - including myself - have a great difficulty grasping the idea of being chronically mentally ill.
We don't get better in the same way other illnesses do. If you had the flu, for example, a good day would be where you could st up in bed- with depression, a good day means something like not feeling completely miserable all day long. It's very different. It's not something you can visibly see.
I keep expecting myself to be better knowledge of being able to cope. I've got my last counselling session (with uni) tomorrow and I feel like I should be feeling a lot better by now- but it just doesn't work like that. I've made one comment about myself which was actually vaguely kind and that's all I've managed. It doesn't feel like much, but it is progress.
I think my point is this- if you know someone who is struggling with a chronic mental illness- try to understand that it doesn't work in the way we expect it to, be patient alongside them, and encourage them in any progress they made - it makes the long road a lot easier to travel.
Love and Blessings.
Sarah x

Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere

As some of you may know, two weeks ago my student pastor and girlfriend died in a car crash on the motorway. I wanted to write something to just show how much they meant to me and the world but nothing I could think of seemed good enough. But I wrote a bit about it on the train on the way to Sheffield last week, so I'm gonna write it on here. I'm not sure whether I'll post it on my facebook or anything, I think this is just for me to process. Who knows? Either way, here goes:

If there were any two people I know who were gonna get into heaven for sures, apart from Jesus, it is Steve and Mandy.

Unfortunately, these two beautiful people went home on Saturday night after dying in a car crash on the motorway after being hit by a drunk driver. We, who are still on earth, are absolutely heartbroken. They were taken so much earlier than we hoped and it has come as a complete shock, especially to myself, as this is the first deaths of anyone that was close to me. I can barely let it sink in, I keep having to ask myself whether this really happened.

Steve was excited to see God's glory on earth, but what his heart truly desired was heaven. The last thing I remember him saying was - "I'm just praying that Jesus would come back now! I mean earth is great and everything but sometimes I get so sick of it-Jesus come back already!" (Those weren't his specific words but it was along those lines anyway.) For this reason, I smile when I think that he has gotten his hearts desire. I'm sure Mandy felt similarly. 

I thought I'd come to a point by now, but I don't seem to. I guess this is just my way of processing my grief.

Steve, Mandy. You two are sorely missed, a testament to how deeply and successfully you served and loved. You were two of the good ones. Your complete desire for Jesus first and foremost was inspiring. The first time I saw you worship Steve at the synergy AGM with your arms stretched so wide to Spirit break Out, something in my heart stirred, and I knew that I wanted to find that joy in the spirit that you had, which is what prompted my move to antioch. To you I am eternally grateful- save me a song on the piano up in heaven!

Mandy- you are one of the most beautiful, kind hearted souls I have ever had the fortune of meeting. No matter how depressed I was feeling your presence brought so much joy because you radiated Jesus. It was Phenomenal. Very few people have been able to break my shell of depression, but you did. I didn't see you that often, but I don't have a single bad memory of being with you- a testament to your goodness.

I miss you both so much. I think of you everyday. Can't wait to see you in heaven. It'll be the best Jesus party ever. Until then, with much love,

Sarah xxx