And all these little things

Felt like doing some boring questions. 'cause I feels like it.

Are You Dating The Last Person You Kissed? 
I am not.

Song You're listening to? 
Watching a film.

Your bestfriend likes your last ex, you say? 
Is it bad that I can't even remember who that was?

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? 
Technically no, but yes.

What color are your eyes? 
Dark brown.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? 
Always.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? 
I don't think so. I might call Jon though, I miss him! Probably tomorrow.

Can you honestly say that looks don't matter? 
Jesus made them like that, so I guess not!

Ever kissed someone that smokes? 
Yes.

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours? 
Sure have.

Was today a good day? 
Apart from the rugby... yes!

Do you get mad easily? 
Probably.

Where do you see yourself in the next 2 years? 
I will be on my gap year.

Plans for tomorrow? 
Church and other Jesus things.

Last awkward moment? 
Hmmm... can't remember to be honest.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? 
Sure have.

Think of the 1st person on your top whats your relationship?
No idea what this question is actually asking!

What woke you up this morning? 
My mummy I thinks. 

Do you take compliments well? 
Not really. Am trying though.

In the past week have you cried? 
Are you kidding?

Last thing you ate? 
Leek and Potato Pasty :)

On average, what do you think you cry about the most? 
Silly illness.

Are you cheating on someone right now? 
I am not.

Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? 
Yeah.

If you could do something differently, would you go back? 
I'm not sure.

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning? 
Night :) 

If your last ex said they hate you, you say? 
Again, not sure who that was..

How did your day go yesterday? 
It went well thankyou.

Who was the last person you saw who wasn't family? 
Miss Kelly Louise Dunstan.

Ever been on a blind date? 
I have not.

Anything you want to tell someone? 
Yes.

What were you doing last night at midnight? 
Waiting for AVPSY to come onto youtube :)

Who was the last person you gave your number to? 
Haha think it was James.

How many letters are in your last name? 
7.

What are you excited about? 
Roma!

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? 
I wouldn't like to.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? 
Always.

Who's the last person that made you smile? 
Ryan Gosling.

Who do you tell everything to? 
Jesus.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? 
I like to think so.

Last time you had an alcoholic beverage? 
About an hour ago?

What's your favorite drink? 
Hmmmmm... not sure.

Last time you were seriously embarrassed? 
Haha let's not go there.

How many girls/guys have you dated in 2008? 
2008? Man that was written ages ago... 2/3?

Who was the last person to seriously make you upset? 
A friend.

Could you honestly say you love someone right now? 
Yes.

Has anyone ever called you a slut? 
Yes.

Are you wearing socks right now? 
I am not.

What is the last movie you watched?
The notebook.

Do you know anyone that works at a movie theater? 
Sure do.

What about a hospital? 
Yup.

Who's bed besides your own were you in last? 
Haha.. Tom's :)

Have you ever wanted to be a vet? 
Don't think so.

Where will your next kiss take place? 
No idea.

Have you ever fed ducks? 
Yeah I have.

Has a stranger ever asked if they could take your picture? 
Yes they have.

Is there someone from your past that you're still attached to? 
Don't think so.

How long does it usually take you to fix your hair? 
Haha not long at all.

Have you ever dyed your hair? 
I have not. 

Do you ever go in pet stores just to look at the pets? 
Yes :D

Have you ever ran over a turtle? 
Err no?

Do you actually read surveys that other people post? 
I do.

Have you ever been bitten by a cat? 
I have.

What about by a goose? 
Don't think so?

Do you ever watch Saturday Night Live? 
I do not.

Has anyone ever called you emo? 
Yes.

Do you think anyone will actually read this survey? 
Doubt it.

Have you ever dated someone and later found out that they were gay? 
Nope.

Do cocky people annoy you? 
Sometimes. 

Do you personally know anyone that is in a band? 
Yeah.

What color shirt are you wearing? 
Blue.

Have you ever had a pet goat? 
Nope.

Does anyone on your top friends play drums? 
Man this really is old!

What about guitar? 
Yes.

Is it annoying when you're hanging out with someone and they text other people? 
Sometimes. 

Out of your friends, who is the best singer? 
Hmm.. not sure.

Has anyone ever just broke into song in the middle of school? 
Yes.

Do you regret kissing anyone? 
Errrrmmmm 

Do you regret not kissing someone? 
Yes.

Have you ever cursed someone out in front of your parents? 
Yes.

They come in pints?

I shall start this blog with an apology, because the title has absolutely nothing with what I'm about to write- I just thought of the quote from LOTR and it made me laugh so I typed it in.

I was sat here for a little while, knowing I'm supposed to write in here but wasn't sure what I was meant to write up, so I started looking through my phone on what I've wanted to write about before but never had the time too- and now I've figured something out. Yay.

So here we go. I'm a fun child aren't I? Never really getting to the point. Okay now I'm actually gonna type on topic.

We had this sermon a few weeks ago at my Church in Sheffield (which btw, are AWESOME) and it's about unholy content and I have the verse Phillipians 4:12

 I’m glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you’re again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don’t mean that your help didn’t mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.

And in my head I was just like- IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M NOT CONTENT, and felt a little condemned, not gonna lie. But then I had to fight myself and be like- God does not condemn me, and it's completely different whilst suffering a mental illness (I think I may have written about this a few weeks ago, but thankfully this is not my point today so this isn't a complete waste of time to read.)

But then I was thinking and was like- being depressed is not an excuse to simply hate my life. Yes. I am often apathetic about it, yes I cry a lot, yes it is very hard. But allowing myself to wallow in that? Not only does that make me feel worse, but it is simply not useful! 

There is a very thin line within this, I am well aware. I understand that we can't help it all of the time, but when we allow it to define us, that is not okay. And if this comes across as condemning I want to apologise- that is not my point whatsoever!  

Joyce Meyer often talks about fighting yours thoughts, and the bible talks about taking them captive, and I think this is a principle we choose to ignore because it's like- we have a free pass. I know I do that- I'll be like- well I'm allowed to wallow in my emotions, accept that this is my destiny because I've got depression- but actually, that is not what God wants for us.

He wants us to have life, and life to the full. This is naturally very difficult but if there are ways that can make us better, if only a little bit. I believe it's worthwhile.

So guys. This is my point. Don't settle for our misery. DO NOT SETTLE. Having a mental illness does not give us a free pass to dwell on our emotions. True, it really cannot be helped how we feel most of the time, but don't encourage it! That'll only make us worse. Practically, I don't even know how this will work for each person, I don't even know how to apply it to my own life, but I have this feeling God will work that out somehow. If I'm having a bad day, yes I may need to be on my own and rest, but that doesn't mean I have to give up. Fighting doesn't necessarily mean having to go out of the house, and being constantly busy, but maybe just getting out of bed and getting changed, or whatever it might be for you. Let's not settle. That's it.

Love you guys.
I doubt I articulated (would that be the word to use seeing as I'm writing this down, I don't even know!) this well, I'm not great with words. But I hope you can see what I'm saying anyway.
God thinks you're special, and he loves you very much!
BYE x  

Some nights I call it a draw

So I'm really not doing okay at the moment.
This isn't a cry for help or anything, just a fact. I'm really really not okay. I'm a shell of brokeness.
But I don't know how to ask for help. Mainly because I don't know what to say.
My brain is a blank. Like- there's nothing there, so I feel so guilty asking for time with people because I'm just a bore. 
I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. Because it's so different to how I normally am whilst depressed. That's just how it is these days.
I'm not sure how to write this post, or what it's purpose is. That is just what I'm saying I guess. I'm a lot confused.

Okay I guess I'll stop writing now.
Blessings.
x