A new low.

Oh wow. Really not doing all too well atm. 
When I think about my actions over the last few weeks I cringe inwardly. 
And then last night. PANTS. 
So I went out to Corporation Vodka. For those of you who know it well, you know what happens. For those who don't - basics, it's disgusting; but they sell alcohol ridiculously cheap, like £2 for a quadruple- or a blue shot or whatever it was called. So everyone around you is wasted, acting in ways I swore I would never be a part of growing up.
Did you know, when I was a little girl I used to tell my parents that I would never touch a single drop of alcohol in my life? Yeah. I was convinced I was never gonna do a thing like that in my entire life. What happened?!!?? How did I become someone I was so adamant on not becoming for years? Not gonna lie- Sometimes alcohol is really fun. Like last week for my birthday we had drinks with some friends and I was pretty drunk but I was having the time of my life. It was with people I loved and everything was fine. But there are sometimes where it has the opposite effect. This has happened twice now, and despite being able to remember everything from last night I seem more ashamed of that than I did of last month. Mainly because I'm not allowed alcohol on my medication, it makes my depression so much worse but I ignored the warning signs, and when things got worse I carried on drinking in order to forget about it all. How stupid was I?!
I ended up leaving corp around an hour after arriving in floods of tears, getting a taxi by myself, sending many drunken texts and having three of my friends in my room at some ridiculous hour in the morning while I was hysterical. I promised myself I wouldn't become that girl again. This depression has gotten seriously bad. I spend almost all my days in bed because I feel like I have no reason to get up in the morning. My days are spent wasting my life away in various silly ways. I felt horrible, I still do now, I just want to hide in a hole and wait for this all to blow over. But I know it's not going to. I enjoy alcohol, I have friends that like to drink, and my closest friends are the ones who have stuck by me throughout this whole thing despite my many freak-outs, I don't know what I would do without them. There will be so many more parties and nights out for birthdays which I'm going to want to get wasted at, but I know I can't. 
I'm not really sure what this post was about, I think I just needed to get some of my thoughts out. And I don't feel like writing and I can type pretty darn fast so this just seemed like the easiest way to go about it. I feel like I should write something positive or have some challenge so that people who read this can be encouraged. But I really don't feel that holy right now- I feel like the sinner I know I am. Did you know I got given water by the christians last night? Yeah, I was one of the people having to be blessed rather than being there handing out the water with them. In that one moment I felt completely humiliated. Like it suddenly dawned on me quite how bad I was behaving.
The good news is that God keeps talking to me anyway. Because he loves me. I have no idea why but he does and that's flopping awesome! I need to let God take this passion for alcohol away from me. I need to rely on him rather than a short-lived high from a drink. Hmm.. hopefully that'll go better than the last time I decided I was gonna be a better person.

The Great High Priest

I'm back!! yay :)


Okay. Well I have so many thoughts I could write about but there's one that's specifically on my heart right now, well actually two but one I actually have been thinking enough to make a decent post. So yes. It's this- the High Priest.
At Church on sunday when I was back in Bristol for my birthday (:D:D) we were talking about true worship and the rituals of worshiping with God via the arc of the covenant. 
So a bit of background for those of you who haven't read the end of Exodus- so basics, because God is so amazingly pure and whatnot people were not allowed behind the curtain in the tent of worship when God's presence was there (you could tell because this amazing cloud would cover it I thinks) and then once a year or something like that the High Priest was allowed to enter through the curtain and see God in all his glory and then atone for the sins of Israel via animal sacrifice. 
So yeah, as we were being told about this I turned round to my mummy and was like.. how amazing would it be to be able to see God in all his glory? To see that much holiness and be surrounded in it. And then later on Rob (the preacher) was telling us how WE are now in the same position as the high priest, because Jesus took that sacrifice for us. Wow.
Why don't you think people ignore the fact that we are actually in such a rare situation, and how often do we actually take it when we really need it. Whenever we want, just by calling on Jesus' name- can we see Jesus in ALL his glory. Just because he loves us that much. Flipping insane if you ask me. And we don't even only get to do it once in a while, we can do it every minute of every day, if we wanted to (and tbh what is better than being in the presence of our loving maker?!?) 
So yeah. basics- the point of this post is really just to encourage you to SEEK the presence of the Lord. He's right there with us. Let's take hold of this birth right we have and see God's kingdom on earth- because that would be pretty darn awesome if you ask me!