Oh for flips sake.
You know when I talk about how I've been healed from my depression and everything? Yeah. Complete and utter lie. Well. It's only half true. -_-
For the most part, my reactive depression has been healed. Definately.
I get these phases. About once every month. Every two months at maximum. And I just break down. No matter what I do the darkness embodies my life. I know that sounds ridiculously dramatic and tbh I probably am exaggerating just a little bit. Tbh I can't really tell right now. But I just feel like breaking down every few minutes. I can't hold a normal conversation without going insane at least once. Luckily it's mostly in my head so I can fake it about 90% of the time. But right now I feel absolutely awful. I don't know what to do with myself. Blurggggggggggggh. I am in desperate need of Jesus. But I've been too much in a funk to even remember to try and talk to him. To open up one single bit. I just forget.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Time to start praying.
once more I've kinda forgotten the point of my post. I think I just needed to admit I'm not okay. Because I've always been too closed to admit it. There are other people with much worse lives than mine. My life is actually been damn good, I got into the university of my dreams (literally) and I have a loving family, and a FANTASTIC God. So most of the time I just feel like I don't deserve to admit I'm not okay. But I guess if this is actual depression I don't really have a choice. If I want to get better I need to admit it. First and foremost.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Thursday, 25 August 2011
These words are my own, from my heart flow.. ♥
I literally have so many thoughts going through my head atm, and no idea where to start or how to formulate them into writing. Oh my goodness where to start? I haven't written in weeks! Hum hum hum. I guess I could start with just one word.
GRACE
I just looked it up on urban dictionary- I found a rather interesting response- Beauty, sunrises, singing birds, blossoming flowers. All those things that remind us why life is worth living.
As a Christian I see Grace as a gift God gave us in order to live our lives freely. giving kindness or love to someone despite their wrongdoings. Unmerited favor. <- this was another interpretation I found. Through Jesus dying on the cross we have eternal acceptance. :) I made the link in my head in which that Jesus is what reminds us that life is worth living. "I came to give you life, and life to the full." John 10:10.
Grace is what makes Christianity so different from any other religion. We are the religion that where it is not by our own efforts that we can connect with anything divinitive, it is just by Grace, the fact that God loves us anyway.
How many people do you reckon have forgotten that this is what our lives were meant to be about? Living freely and working for the kingdom of heaven. It's not supposed to be about doing things selfishly to make ourselves happy, and it's not about legalism. It's living a life in relationship with the Father above, and then through the help of the holy spirit living a life of our own choices in the freedom of the knowledge that the Father loves us no matter what. Gorgeous.
I'm not feeling well at all atm, caught this awful cold. So if this is not making sense then I apologise. But really all I wanted to say was this-
when preaching the gospel you are not to judge others, you are to bless them with the Grace that the Father has given us. It never has nor ever will be our place for judgement of our fellow men and friends, but simply the fact that God loves them, and we all need God. We each need God individually and just as much as the next person. let's stop judging and bless everyone. This world is in desperate need of grace. yup yup.
GRACE
I just looked it up on urban dictionary- I found a rather interesting response- Beauty, sunrises, singing birds, blossoming flowers. All those things that remind us why life is worth living.
As a Christian I see Grace as a gift God gave us in order to live our lives freely. giving kindness or love to someone despite their wrongdoings. Unmerited favor. <- this was another interpretation I found. Through Jesus dying on the cross we have eternal acceptance. :) I made the link in my head in which that Jesus is what reminds us that life is worth living. "I came to give you life, and life to the full." John 10:10.
Grace is what makes Christianity so different from any other religion. We are the religion that where it is not by our own efforts that we can connect with anything divinitive, it is just by Grace, the fact that God loves us anyway.
How many people do you reckon have forgotten that this is what our lives were meant to be about? Living freely and working for the kingdom of heaven. It's not supposed to be about doing things selfishly to make ourselves happy, and it's not about legalism. It's living a life in relationship with the Father above, and then through the help of the holy spirit living a life of our own choices in the freedom of the knowledge that the Father loves us no matter what. Gorgeous.
I'm not feeling well at all atm, caught this awful cold. So if this is not making sense then I apologise. But really all I wanted to say was this-
when preaching the gospel you are not to judge others, you are to bless them with the Grace that the Father has given us. It never has nor ever will be our place for judgement of our fellow men and friends, but simply the fact that God loves them, and we all need God. We each need God individually and just as much as the next person. let's stop judging and bless everyone. This world is in desperate need of grace. yup yup.
Friday, 12 August 2011
Gorgeous
I love this colour! Let's carry on writing with it ♥
I really really really really miss Romania! To the extent to which I just want to walk around the house being miserable until I'm able to get in contact with anyone of the new friends I made over there. Or go back who knows! I just feel, so broken inside. -_- Like the rest of my normal life just doesn't make sense anymore. I know this is a normal feeling after coming back from a trip like the one I did, like reverse culture shock and whatnot. But it hurts so much. It doesn't help that we managed to catch some sort of dreadful cold when we were out there and now I feel ill too. I'm stuck in bed feeling horribly sick.
Man this post makes me look like I'm feeling sorry for myself! Man I must look so selfish! :/ I guess this is more about getting my feelings out and then also having some (hopefully) inspiring thoughts along the way. But it still makes me feel like an incredibly selfish person. Ooooooooh dear :/
I can't wait to go to soul survivor on sunday, it'll help me get out of this funk and remind me that I need to focus on God and his awesomeness. And then it can get me back on the path of action. Loving these kids is not gonna do much unless I act on it. Not that I know how to act on it but I want to, and that's something I need to do. So I guess the point of this post is just to force myself to get my butt into gear and forget about this funk and instead channel it into doing something really fantastic for those wonderful kids in Romania ♥
I really really really really miss Romania! To the extent to which I just want to walk around the house being miserable until I'm able to get in contact with anyone of the new friends I made over there. Or go back who knows! I just feel, so broken inside. -_- Like the rest of my normal life just doesn't make sense anymore. I know this is a normal feeling after coming back from a trip like the one I did, like reverse culture shock and whatnot. But it hurts so much. It doesn't help that we managed to catch some sort of dreadful cold when we were out there and now I feel ill too. I'm stuck in bed feeling horribly sick.
Man this post makes me look like I'm feeling sorry for myself! Man I must look so selfish! :/ I guess this is more about getting my feelings out and then also having some (hopefully) inspiring thoughts along the way. But it still makes me feel like an incredibly selfish person. Ooooooooh dear :/
I can't wait to go to soul survivor on sunday, it'll help me get out of this funk and remind me that I need to focus on God and his awesomeness. And then it can get me back on the path of action. Loving these kids is not gonna do much unless I act on it. Not that I know how to act on it but I want to, and that's something I need to do. So I guess the point of this post is just to force myself to get my butt into gear and forget about this funk and instead channel it into doing something really fantastic for those wonderful kids in Romania ♥
Cringey addictive facebook notes
I used to literally do this alll the time. But I've decided not to annoy everyone on my facebook home page so instead I decided to do one on here, just for old times sake.
1, What Color Is Your Toothbrush?
Green. Love it ♥
2, Name One Person That Made You Smile Today?
Charlotte May
3, What Were You Doing At 8 Am This Morning?
Sleeping
4, What Were You Doing 45 Minutes Ago?
led in bed watching Dawson's Creek
5, What Is Your Favorite Candy ?
Man this is American! :/ But Chocolate- all the way!! :)
6, Have You Ever Been To A Strip Club?
hahahahahahaha. I have been to a gaybar mind.
7, What's The Last Thing You Said Out Loud?
I can't even remember!
8, What Is The Best Ice Cream Flavor?
Chocolate, all the way!
9, What Was The Last Thing You Had To Drink?
Ribena
10, What Is The Longest You Have Gone Without Sleeping?
over a day at least
11, Have You Ever Made A Promise You'd Die To Keep?
Yesssss:)
12, Have You Bought Any New Clothing Items This Week?
Nu
13, The Last Sporting Event You Watched?
I don't know! boo. I'd guess it's the rugby.
14, What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Popcorn?
Sweeeeet.
15, Who Is The Last Person You Sent A Message On Facebook
Jess? I think.
16, Ever Go Camping?
so many times.
17, Do You Take Vitamins Daily?
nahhh
18, Do You Go To Church Every Sunday?
Try to
19, Do You Have A Tan?
yupppppp!
21, Do You Drink Your Soda With A Straw?
Don't like soda.
22, What Did Your Last Text Message Say?
Hahaa i guess you could say that what type is it?
23, What Are You Doing Tomorrow?
Sleeeping! Packing for soul survivor
24, Where Is Your Dad?
Just came home.
25, Look To Your Left, What Do You See?
the wall
26, What Color Is Your Watch?
I always lose everyone I've ever own.
27, What Do You Think Of When You Hear Australia?
Hillsong
28, What Did You Do Yesterday?
Went round Immi's, then Bennie came over ♥
29, Do You Go In At A Fast Food Place Or Just Hit The Drive Thru?
don't mind both.
30, What Is Your Favorite Number?
17.
31, Who's The Last Person You Talked To On The Phone?
I don't even remember!
32, Any Plans Today?
Saw Charlotte. Then went to ADH for Romania debrief
34, Biggest Annoyance In Your Life Right Now?
just missing Romania. So much.
35, Last Song Listened To?
It's Alright - S Club 7
36, Can You Say The Alphabet Backwards?
da
37, Do You Have A Maid Service Clean Your House?
Donna comes over one a fortnight, but that's about it.
38, Favourite Pair Of Shoes?
wellies.
39, Are You Jealous Of Anyone?
not right now.
40, Is Anyone Jealous Of You?
hahahahaha. what a joker
41, Do You Love Anyone?
in that way? Kinda.
43, What Do You Usually Do During The Day?
During the summer? Just chillax really, see some friends.
44, Do You Hate Anyone That You Know Right Now?
I don't hate anyone. :)
45, Do You Use The Word 'Hello' Daily?
da
47, Do You Like Cats?
I do indeed.
48, Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Eh?
49, How Did You Get Your Worst Scar?
Let's not go there.
50, Last Smoke?
Never ever.
51, Last Cd Played?
Can't remember
52, Last Bubble Bath?
A couple of weeks back.
53, Last Time You Cried?
This afternoon
54, Last Meal?
Mac and Cheese
55, Have You Ever Dated Someone Twice?
Da
56, Have You Ever Kissed Somebody And Regreted It?
Da
57, Have You Ever Fallen In Love?
Da Da Da
58, Have You Ever Lost Someone?
Da
59, Have You Ever Slept Until 1pm?
Practically every week.
60, Have You Ever Been Drunk And Threw Up?
Nu
61, List Five People You Tell Pretty Much Everything To?
err.. I tell different people different things.. but Nick, Bobby, Bennie, Immi, Debzz.
62, List Three Favorite Colors:
Green, Pink, Blue.
63, Laughed Until You Cried
So many times.
64, Went Behind Your Parents Back before:
Don't think so?
65, Who Posted This Before You?
No idea.
66, Gay Marriage?
If you want :)
67, Lowering The Drinking Age?
Nah thanks.
69, Who Are The Best Huggers That You Know?
Cosmin was pretty damn brilliant at it. :)
70, Do You Believe In Love At First Sight?
I have had it.
71, Is There Something You Want To Tell Someone?
So bad.
73, Would You Kiss Anyone On Your Top Friends?
yup yup yup
74, How Many Kids Do You Want To Have?
4
75, Do You Want To Change Your Name?
I'm good thanks :)
76, Last Time You Saw Your Father?
a while ago.
77, What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
10 ish>?
78, How Old Are You?
18
80, What Is Your Favorite Thing In Your Room?
Cosmina Mihai Romania :) (la dolphin)
81, Where Is Your Best Friend Right Now?
Don't have a particular best friend.
1, What Color Is Your Toothbrush?
Green. Love it ♥
2, Name One Person That Made You Smile Today?
Charlotte May
3, What Were You Doing At 8 Am This Morning?
Sleeping
4, What Were You Doing 45 Minutes Ago?
led in bed watching Dawson's Creek
5, What Is Your Favorite Candy ?
Man this is American! :/ But Chocolate- all the way!! :)
6, Have You Ever Been To A Strip Club?
hahahahahahaha. I have been to a gaybar mind.
7, What's The Last Thing You Said Out Loud?
I can't even remember!
8, What Is The Best Ice Cream Flavor?
Chocolate, all the way!
9, What Was The Last Thing You Had To Drink?
Ribena
10, What Is The Longest You Have Gone Without Sleeping?
over a day at least
11, Have You Ever Made A Promise You'd Die To Keep?
Yesssss:)
12, Have You Bought Any New Clothing Items This Week?
Nu
13, The Last Sporting Event You Watched?
I don't know! boo. I'd guess it's the rugby.
14, What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Popcorn?
Sweeeeet.
15, Who Is The Last Person You Sent A Message On Facebook
Jess? I think.
16, Ever Go Camping?
so many times.
17, Do You Take Vitamins Daily?
nahhh
18, Do You Go To Church Every Sunday?
Try to
19, Do You Have A Tan?
yupppppp!
21, Do You Drink Your Soda With A Straw?
Don't like soda.
22, What Did Your Last Text Message Say?
Hahaa i guess you could say that what type is it?
23, What Are You Doing Tomorrow?
Sleeeping! Packing for soul survivor
24, Where Is Your Dad?
Just came home.
25, Look To Your Left, What Do You See?
the wall
26, What Color Is Your Watch?
I always lose everyone I've ever own.
27, What Do You Think Of When You Hear Australia?
Hillsong
28, What Did You Do Yesterday?
Went round Immi's, then Bennie came over ♥
29, Do You Go In At A Fast Food Place Or Just Hit The Drive Thru?
don't mind both.
30, What Is Your Favorite Number?
17.
31, Who's The Last Person You Talked To On The Phone?
I don't even remember!
32, Any Plans Today?
Saw Charlotte. Then went to ADH for Romania debrief
34, Biggest Annoyance In Your Life Right Now?
just missing Romania. So much.
35, Last Song Listened To?
It's Alright - S Club 7
36, Can You Say The Alphabet Backwards?
da
37, Do You Have A Maid Service Clean Your House?
Donna comes over one a fortnight, but that's about it.
38, Favourite Pair Of Shoes?
wellies.
39, Are You Jealous Of Anyone?
not right now.
40, Is Anyone Jealous Of You?
hahahahaha. what a joker
41, Do You Love Anyone?
in that way? Kinda.
43, What Do You Usually Do During The Day?
During the summer? Just chillax really, see some friends.
44, Do You Hate Anyone That You Know Right Now?
I don't hate anyone. :)
45, Do You Use The Word 'Hello' Daily?
da
47, Do You Like Cats?
I do indeed.
48, Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Eh?
49, How Did You Get Your Worst Scar?
Let's not go there.
50, Last Smoke?
Never ever.
51, Last Cd Played?
Can't remember
52, Last Bubble Bath?
A couple of weeks back.
53, Last Time You Cried?
This afternoon
54, Last Meal?
Mac and Cheese
55, Have You Ever Dated Someone Twice?
Da
56, Have You Ever Kissed Somebody And Regreted It?
Da
57, Have You Ever Fallen In Love?
Da Da Da
58, Have You Ever Lost Someone?
Da
59, Have You Ever Slept Until 1pm?
Practically every week.
60, Have You Ever Been Drunk And Threw Up?
Nu
61, List Five People You Tell Pretty Much Everything To?
err.. I tell different people different things.. but Nick, Bobby, Bennie, Immi, Debzz.
62, List Three Favorite Colors:
Green, Pink, Blue.
63, Laughed Until You Cried
So many times.
64, Went Behind Your Parents Back before:
Don't think so?
65, Who Posted This Before You?
No idea.
66, Gay Marriage?
If you want :)
67, Lowering The Drinking Age?
Nah thanks.
69, Who Are The Best Huggers That You Know?
Cosmin was pretty damn brilliant at it. :)
70, Do You Believe In Love At First Sight?
I have had it.
71, Is There Something You Want To Tell Someone?
So bad.
73, Would You Kiss Anyone On Your Top Friends?
yup yup yup
74, How Many Kids Do You Want To Have?
4
75, Do You Want To Change Your Name?
I'm good thanks :)
76, Last Time You Saw Your Father?
a while ago.
77, What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
10 ish>?
78, How Old Are You?
18
80, What Is Your Favorite Thing In Your Room?
Cosmina Mihai Romania :) (la dolphin)
81, Where Is Your Best Friend Right Now?
Don't have a particular best friend.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Te Iubesc Romania
ahhhh I actually spelt te iubesc right! WIN! ♥ This time next year I will be fluent! Blates. :P
Okay now I need to write about this past week, ahhhh this is gonna be hard. Mainly because it's a bit like. Generalised, like so many mini moments but the majority of it is just spent a lot of time spent with the kids. Okay let's right out a page full of romanian words: LET'S DO IT.
Îmi place viaţa - I love life!
Da - Yes
Nu - No
joaca frumos - Play Nicely
foarte bun - very good
zi de zi - day by day
Most of the other words are just like, animal names etc so I decided not to post it. We had a lot of fun learning it though.
The kids were just, so inspiring :) It was phenomenal. Just, their lives are just. not great at all, and living in a country stricken with poverty and yet everything they had they gave away, and they were so happy and full of joy. And so full of love. wow wow wow. It makes me so happy in my own life. Like, encouraged me to be full of joy no matter what the circumstance.
They hug all the time over there. Flipping all the time. I swear I was hugging like.. 90% of the time! And they kiss you on the cheek so many times. They don't care about boundries much. It's wonderful. I've never felt more loved before in my life. And the language barrier? Made no difference whatsoever. They didn't care that I couldn't speak Romanian, they just welcomed me with open arms. It didn't care who I was. Completely unconditional love. It's made me realise quite how much God loves me! Just that unconditionally! I felt accepted and loved all over. I think I've just come out of that country feeling so much more okay with myself. I'm become much more of a server now though, like. I will just randomly empty the dishwasher, just because it need's doing. And I literally didn't stop serving those kids all week, had about 10 minutes break from like.. 8 in the morning till around 11 at night. And I just didn't care! I was tired. But it was wonderful. Being around those kids gave me supernatural energy. God just blessed me so much through those kids.
My heart has such a capacity to love now. Like a huge capacity.I can't wait to go back and see them all again. :) Bring on next year! I don't know how much I've actually shared of my week out in Constanta but that'll do for now.
God Bless x
Okay now I need to write about this past week, ahhhh this is gonna be hard. Mainly because it's a bit like. Generalised, like so many mini moments but the majority of it is just spent a lot of time spent with the kids. Okay let's right out a page full of romanian words: LET'S DO IT.
Îmi place viaţa - I love life!
Da - Yes
Nu - No
joaca frumos - Play Nicely
foarte bun - very good
zi de zi - day by day
Most of the other words are just like, animal names etc so I decided not to post it. We had a lot of fun learning it though.
The kids were just, so inspiring :) It was phenomenal. Just, their lives are just. not great at all, and living in a country stricken with poverty and yet everything they had they gave away, and they were so happy and full of joy. And so full of love. wow wow wow. It makes me so happy in my own life. Like, encouraged me to be full of joy no matter what the circumstance.
They hug all the time over there. Flipping all the time. I swear I was hugging like.. 90% of the time! And they kiss you on the cheek so many times. They don't care about boundries much. It's wonderful. I've never felt more loved before in my life. And the language barrier? Made no difference whatsoever. They didn't care that I couldn't speak Romanian, they just welcomed me with open arms. It didn't care who I was. Completely unconditional love. It's made me realise quite how much God loves me! Just that unconditionally! I felt accepted and loved all over. I think I've just come out of that country feeling so much more okay with myself. I'm become much more of a server now though, like. I will just randomly empty the dishwasher, just because it need's doing. And I literally didn't stop serving those kids all week, had about 10 minutes break from like.. 8 in the morning till around 11 at night. And I just didn't care! I was tired. But it was wonderful. Being around those kids gave me supernatural energy. God just blessed me so much through those kids.
My heart has such a capacity to love now. Like a huge capacity.I can't wait to go back and see them all again. :) Bring on next year! I don't know how much I've actually shared of my week out in Constanta but that'll do for now.
God Bless x
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
ROMANIA♥
ahhhhh I literally should've been a Romanian! Literally everything about that country makes me happy, and just suits my personality perfectly. Except of course the flies that bite.
They just give out so much love! And it's hot and the kids are wonderful and the food is good and wow wow wow. It's brilliant. I love Romania.
I miss the kids so much. I miss Romania so much. I've been back just over a day. I feel like crying. I was told we'd get a culture shock which I kinda expected but being this miserable- not so much. It's like a part of me has just been wrenched out of my system. Like I spent so much energy and love on these kids and now I've had to leave them and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm actually crying just thinking about it. :'( Those kids just mean everything to me. I love them love them love them. I always loved the line from Hosanna which says: Break my heart for what breaks yours. But I just didn't know it hurt so much! I'm pleased on a sort of level because I can see how much God loves those children but I have no idea what to do with this heartbreak, what my next move is gonna be.
One morning me and Ben were sat outside the house and he asked me whether I thought about moving out there, being part of the mission full time and it's really made me think. I know I'm meant to be a counsellor but I did want to work with young teenage girls, which is exactly what the girls at the orphanage need. Or rather just a friend and someone who can look after them. So maybe that's part of my God calling. Working with the girls in Romania, as I'd be doing both the things I love, kids and counselling. I never thought I'd be a missionary though. I dunno it just never seemed to be something I felt worthy enough of doing, like you always hear about the brave missionaries in like.. China or North Korea and I just never thought I'd be one of them. Guess God has better plans for me than I thought! Well I always knew that would be the case I just never thought it'd be anything like this. Prayers on whether this is right though would be really good! But right now I'm just looking through my photos and reading over my memoirs of the week and just thanking God for giving me such a good life. I carry around the dolphin Cosmin gave me everywhere I go just so I can smell Romania whenever I miss it. Which is a lot.
I feel like I should be telling you all about my week, but I'm really tired and this is making me even more sad than I already was so I reckons I'll do that tomorrow after a very good night's sleep. God Bless x
They just give out so much love! And it's hot and the kids are wonderful and the food is good and wow wow wow. It's brilliant. I love Romania.
I miss the kids so much. I miss Romania so much. I've been back just over a day. I feel like crying. I was told we'd get a culture shock which I kinda expected but being this miserable- not so much. It's like a part of me has just been wrenched out of my system. Like I spent so much energy and love on these kids and now I've had to leave them and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm actually crying just thinking about it. :'( Those kids just mean everything to me. I love them love them love them. I always loved the line from Hosanna which says: Break my heart for what breaks yours. But I just didn't know it hurt so much! I'm pleased on a sort of level because I can see how much God loves those children but I have no idea what to do with this heartbreak, what my next move is gonna be.
One morning me and Ben were sat outside the house and he asked me whether I thought about moving out there, being part of the mission full time and it's really made me think. I know I'm meant to be a counsellor but I did want to work with young teenage girls, which is exactly what the girls at the orphanage need. Or rather just a friend and someone who can look after them. So maybe that's part of my God calling. Working with the girls in Romania, as I'd be doing both the things I love, kids and counselling. I never thought I'd be a missionary though. I dunno it just never seemed to be something I felt worthy enough of doing, like you always hear about the brave missionaries in like.. China or North Korea and I just never thought I'd be one of them. Guess God has better plans for me than I thought! Well I always knew that would be the case I just never thought it'd be anything like this. Prayers on whether this is right though would be really good! But right now I'm just looking through my photos and reading over my memoirs of the week and just thanking God for giving me such a good life. I carry around the dolphin Cosmin gave me everywhere I go just so I can smell Romania whenever I miss it. Which is a lot.
I feel like I should be telling you all about my week, but I'm really tired and this is making me even more sad than I already was so I reckons I'll do that tomorrow after a very good night's sleep. God Bless x
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