Basics. I've been trying to figure out why I've been behaving in certain ways recently. And I was thinking about how to get it out of my system (I like to psycho-analyse) and I was sat here and suddenly BAM. It's all come to me. Which is a bit silly in itself cause I'm pretty sure God told me this like.. a week ago but I guess I've always been a bit ridic.
oh man even thinking about writing this post is bringing it all on. Okay if I just write it right now maybe it'll be like ripping the band-aid off.
OKAY. AHHHH. Come on Sarah! Right.
I'm terrified.
Okay. Did that make me feel calmer? Not particularly. But I guess that's what the rest of this post is for. My life is cascaded by this fear of failing. Failing at maintaining my friendships, failing my exams, failing to be a good Christian and honouring Jesus as much as he deserves.
I've been telling people I'm ill today, mainly because I haven't been in the mood to leave my room. I just led in bed and cried the day away, because I'm too scared of living. How ridiculous is that?!?
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?!?!?
I know part of it is the depression, most days I genuinely can't get out of bed because I don't have the emotional energy to do so, but still. I want to live. I want to get out there, take those chances I've been given. I need to jump.
My friend gave me a picture the other day where basically I was on a scooter riding down a hill (which is a little ironic because I don't ride bikes or anything anymore because I don't like going downhill because I'm scared of falling off) and I just wouldn't get off because I was too scared of falling over, so instead I just kept on rolling down the hall. And my friend said he felt that God was saying it was better for me to fall off than just keep rolling down the hill.
And just in this moment it's made more sense to me than ever before. At the time I just thought of this one boy, and I was like... no it's definitely not about that but the more I pray over it the more I realise how my life is just surrounded by fear. If I keep on hiding in my room scared of life then clearly it's not gonna be any good is it?! I need to get out there and fight for the things I love.
But yeah. I'm still terrified guys. So if you're reading this, a little bit of help with all that would be wonderful!
Jesus, I understand now. Thank you for being patient with me, I love you rather a lot! Help me to learn how to live again. Day by day bit by bit. Amen.
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