Hmmmm.
I'm not sure whether I'm gonna post this yet, or even if it makes sense. I just feel a deep desire to figure out what's going on in my head. Just so I can learn to move past all of this.
Whenever I'm talking to someone who I see a promising friendship with and it's very early I tend to say this one phrase in almost every conversation- I've got issues. Oh Sarah...
I seem to sabotage every chance I have at making new relationships, unless I just happen to make friends with them through group conversations/nights out. I think I decide that if I tell them early enough then they can run away before they get the chance to get into my heart and so when they eventually do I've saved myself the heartache.
But really I think it's just part of the many walls I surround myself with to avoid pain. I'm naturally miserable so when I can avoid pain it's always a bonus!
What on earth am I doing?! Ridic. Instead of avoiding pain I'm causing it by putting everyone at the end of a stick and letting no one closer than I can deal with, and thus lose all the people I really care about. And almost as soon as I make friends with someone they're automatically important, and I will over-analyse everything they say to make sure they're okay and try and look out for them in every way I can manage. I've been told I'm quite a passionate person.
So yeah, basics I just now have to figure out how to stop closing myself to the world in order to start living.
First I guess there's one thing I really need to do- pray. 'Cause let's be honest here.. Jesus is the most powerful of all and have the ability to soften anyone's hearts. So yes. Jesus, please soften my heart to let people in! That would be perf. love you ♥
And well, I guess I will have to post this now, as I guess the second bit is to let people know that actually I do want them in my life but it's just something I can't seem to stop doing. Yes, I'm not the sanest of people.. but there's so much more to me than that. I just don't let people in far enough to know that. Woops.
So yeah. If you're reading this you're probably one of my favourite people, and so I just want to ask this one thing, please have patience with me, I'm trying my best! And I'm trying more every day. Love you all. Like. A LOT. Like. as much as I love glee and more. (which is a whole lot, btw) I would say as much as I love Jesus.. but I'm afraid no one can have that honour!
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