I NEED HELP. I AM DEPRESSED.
Could I make it more obvious than that? Probably but I won't.
The thing is, people know I suffer from depression, but that's it. When I tell people this, it's generally a cry out for help. When I mention tinsy bits about how I'm actually feeling, that's me letting them in. That's me saying, I trust you. But that's just it. I barely ever do this and yet the people I think would get the hint and be there for me just look over it. Oh it's just who I am.
I need to be looked after. (If you know me you will know how big a statement that is, because I hate being vulnerable more than anything else.) I need constant hugs of assurance that there are people out there who are looking after me. People checking in just to see whether I'm okay every now and then so I know that people are thinking of me, that I'm not insignificant. I need the people I make constant effort to make sure they know that I love them to make effort for me too. To WANT to see me. Even if I am a mess and start crying or just need to be silent for a while. Or to come round with a really sad film and let me get out all of my emotions.
Am I asking for too much? Just for my friends to show a little compassion? Probably. 'cause tbh I have some really great friends. But for some reason I just feel so cut off from everyone at the moment. Like people are there but they're not really there. They just kinda.. bleh.
I never admit how I'm really feeling. Like ever. Like about 20 minutes ago I was just about to go into full hysterics talking to one of my boys and I just said "I'll be fine, I always am." and said goodnight and walked away in tears. Part of it is fear of rejection but I also don't like leaning on people. For their sake and mine. I've leant on people too strongly before and that just made everything worse, and I'm never gonna make that mistake. But I really need my friends right now, so this is me saying. PLEASE, I REALLY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. I FEEL AWFUL. I MAY ACT LIKE I'M OKAY BUT THAT'S ALL IT IS. ACTING. I NEED MY FRIENDS. I NEED PROPER HUGS. I NEED TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY THERE. I NEED TO KNOW I WON'T BE REPLACED AT THE FIRST CHANCE. I NEED TO KNOW YOU ACTUALLY VALUE ME AS A PERSON. BECAUSE I VALUE YOU SO MUCH. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MY FRIENDS. I JUST NEED TO KNOW THEY'LL DO THE SAME. JUST THIS ONE TIME.
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