I'm not alright, I'm broken inside.

I NEED HELP. I AM DEPRESSED.


Could I make it more obvious than that? Probably but I won't.
The thing is, people know I suffer from depression, but that's it. When I tell people this, it's generally a cry out for help. When I mention tinsy bits about how I'm actually feeling, that's me letting them in. That's me saying, I trust you. But that's just it. I barely ever do this and yet the people I think would get the hint and be there for me just look over it. Oh it's just who I am.
I need to be looked after. (If you know me you will know how big a statement that is, because I hate being vulnerable more than anything else.) I need constant hugs of assurance that there are people out there who are looking after me. People checking in just to see whether I'm okay every now and then so I know that people are thinking of me, that I'm not insignificant. I need the people I make constant effort to make sure they know that I love them to make effort for me too. To WANT to see me. Even if I am a mess and start crying or just need to be silent for a while. Or to come round with a really sad film and let me get out all of my emotions.
Am I asking for too much? Just for my friends to show a little compassion? Probably. 'cause tbh I have some really great friends. But for some reason I just feel so cut off from everyone at the moment. Like people are there but they're not really there. They just kinda.. bleh.

I never admit how I'm really feeling. Like ever. Like about 20 minutes ago I was just about to go into full hysterics talking to one of my boys and I just said "I'll be fine, I always am." and said goodnight and walked away in tears. Part of it is fear of rejection but I also don't like leaning on people. For their sake and mine. I've leant on people too strongly before and that just made everything worse, and I'm never gonna make that mistake. But I really need my friends right now, so this is me saying. PLEASE, I REALLY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. I FEEL AWFUL. I MAY ACT LIKE I'M OKAY BUT THAT'S ALL IT IS. ACTING. I NEED MY FRIENDS. I NEED PROPER HUGS. I NEED TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY THERE. I NEED TO KNOW I WON'T BE REPLACED AT THE FIRST CHANCE. I NEED TO KNOW YOU ACTUALLY VALUE ME AS A PERSON. BECAUSE I VALUE YOU SO MUCH. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MY FRIENDS. I JUST NEED TO KNOW THEY'LL DO THE SAME. JUST THIS ONE TIME.

Are you trying to help a person suffering from a depressive illness?

So, there I was, walking back home after meeting with a very dear friend and I walked past the Christian book shop, and debated in my head for a while whether I should go in. I had always meant to but just never got around to it, but for this moment it seemed like it was everything I wanted to do. And so my divine appointment began. Man I love divine appointments! When God just blesses you and is like, out there just to look after you personally (obviously it's not all about me, but sometimes I feel like God is looking out for everyone but me, and so when these things happen it reminds me that he does in fact love me too.) The first thing I saw when I walked in was a book called "living with depression?" on sale for 50p! I knew instantly that I was meant to read this book. This woman knows exactly my feelings and it is making me cry constantly but is also giving me assurance.
ANYWAY. At the end of the book there is a chapter full of tips for people who want to help. And yeah, I just felt it would be a good idea to write these out. My friend the other day was like, "what exactly do you expect when you ask for help?" and I honestly didn't know, but I laughed at the truthfulness of this chapter and thought it might be cool. OBVIOUSLY this is not meant as a- you must help me in this way and if you don't you're a bad friend- or anything like that, it is simply just pretty cool. And as I feel very called to help depressed people, giving people advice on little ways they can help is never a bad idea! 
So yes. Here goes. (I should probably copyright this right? it is a book called - "living with depression?" by Elaine Brown. Christian Focus Publications 1997)


♥DON'T ask 'How are you?' That is a difficult question to answer with honesty, and in a sentence or two.


♥DO ask 'How have you felt today?' 'How has this week been?' That i much easier to cope with.


♥STEER CLEAR of 'I never thought you'd fall for that,' whether spoken or implied. It triggers needless guilt and distress.


♥NEVER SAY - 'Snap out of it!' You wouldn't use those words to someone with appendicitis etc. This sufferer is ill too.


♥NEVER SAY- 'Surely it can't be as bad as that? How do you know? Mental anguish is intensely painful.


♥STEER CLEAR OF - 'What reason have you got to be more depressed when other people are suffering so much more?' This comment not only implies a complete lack of sympathy but it also induces needless, unhelpful guilt.


♥DO assure of your prayers, specially when a doctor's appointment or a new challenge has to be faced. Be careful to follow-through on the promise.


♥DO be available if asked 'Will you come and pray with me?' or 'May I visit you?'


♥DO send an affectionate note, and maybe a quotation or a brief hymn. Go cautiously with Bible verses. One friend confided, 'I'm tired of kindly-meant Bible quotes, they frustrate me in my present state of mind.'


♥DO give flowers or other small gifts, just as you would to any other ill person. You may be stuck for words but such gifts speak most appropriately instead.


♥DO call in with some home-baking or a pot of soup. These tempt a poor appetite and convey your care in an unforgettable way.


♥DO offer light reading, magazines, puzzle books. Music cassettes or recorded books (and the New Testament) can also be a big help. Don't swamp the person, however! Then, as well, it has meant much when a friend has stopped to read me a short section from a book or from the Bible.


♥DON'T offer your favourite theological tomes, even if they do give a helpful angle on suffering etc. Any heavy books are inadvisable, and also those that have an accusatory/corrective tone. I struggled through one of these and it left me even more depressed.


♥DO offer an impromptu outing. A country drive with a coffee stop perhaps?


♥DO show affection. A touch of the hand, a warm hug, a kiss conveys so much more than words. It assures a person that they're loved, valued and accepted, even though circumstances have bowled them right over. (THIS. For me espesh, I know hugs are just my favourite)


♥DO offer humour as/when appropriate. A funny story or a humourous book lightens the day and laughter is very therapeutic.


♥DO offer a listening, sympathetic ear, even if it means sitting silent for a long time. (Never look at your watch!) This offered gift of time and the opportunity to release pent up fears and feelings is much appreciated, and the outcome very beneficial. This is one of the greatest ways in which you can help.


♥While listening DON'T give any shocked glances or look askance at the sufferer.


♥After listening DON'T offer advice, unless asked, and never dismiss or belittle fears. Instead a perceptive comment may well be helpful and will reveal understanding.


♥DON'T watch and wait for evidence of a scattered, forgetful mind. It is hard to feel as if you are under surveillance. Never comment on failings or inefficiencies, to the person concerned or to others. Instead come alongside with love and helpfulness.


♥DO show genuine understanding when a person can't fulfil a commitment, even though they seem well enough. Continually make allowances, and often reassurance.


♥DO encourage the person to take up an activity or helping task that is within their range, and share pleasure in their progress, even if it is slow and intermittent.


♥Above all, keep on BELIEVING IN THEM AND FOR THEM. Stay with them all the way, through eager progress and lengthy setbacks. DON'T get tired of caring for them, nor allow concern to diminish. A person with a depressive illness needs to know that you are still rooting for them, whatever.


Though guys, remember that this is entirely one person's opinion on ways that can help, and obviously one does not need to do all of these things to help. But if you know someone who's struggling any one of these things can make the hugest of difference so I would recommend it big time!

The Valley

A few years ago, back in what I would definitely call the worst moments of my life, I used to sit on this block outside school every lunch time and read, mainly because I didn't have the emotional or physical energy to talk to people, but it was also my time to calm down from all the drama. Anyways.. (Why do I always go off on tangents?!) whilst I was sat there one morning, my friend came up to me and gave me a CD. A CD I still have on my desk with me right now as I'm writing this. And it says; "Sarah, it sucks that you're going through the valley. Here are some songs that keep me going." That album has 5 words on the front, "IT'S ALL GONNA BE ALRIGHT." God bless that gorgeous girl that gave it to me. But as I listen to one of my valley songs on repeat I suddenly felt an urge to blog about it, and usually when that happens it's because God has a purpose behind it. So here is a post just writing out my valley songs, for other people that may need it, or just having a page to myself where they are all in one place. Who knows? Whatever it is, God has his hand in it.

SO YES. Here goes. I'll go through the tracks on the CD first then some of my own individual favourites.

♥ Tim Hughes and the 29th Chapter- Saviour.

I first heard this song at Soul Survivor 2008, and I cried and cried even though everyone else was stood up pretending to be "gangsta" and rapping along to the words on screen. I didn't hear it for a very long afterwards but the lyrics are just so full of life. It's about leaning on Jesus during those hard moments. And it's also good to remind ourselves of the truth, that he is the one who is with us, the mighty counsellor.

♥ Sanctus Real - I'm not alright.

I think the main thing about this song is that it forces me to be honest about how I'm feeling. For a very long time, despite knowing I was miserable I never even considered actually having a mental illness because I just thought it was a normal teenage phase. But it just let's me honest. I'm not alright. I haven't been for a very long time. I think the song is actually about leading it all to Jesus, but tbh I never really listened to anything but "I'm not alright, I'm broken inside." It's also a sung by a pretty awesome band, which is always fun!

♥Casting Crowns- Praise you in the storm.

I think this song is one of the most powerful things ever. For one, Casting Crowns are insane, but really it's just wow. "Every tear I've cried, you've held in your hand, you've never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." It is a song of such strength.

♥Casting Crowns- Does anybody hear her?

I used to listen to this song on repeat. Mainly because I felt like I was that girl, I felt so left out, like no one even knew how bad I was feeling. I think part of it is just knowing that someone feels the exact same way as I did. Like, even though you feel alone you're not, there are thousands of people around the world feeling the same things.

♥Tree 63- Alright

This is a song of hope. What more can I say? (Well everyone knows by now I can say so much about pretty much anything but still.. I shall try and refrain for once.)

♥Soul Survivor- Spontaneous Song

Ahh I am in love with this song. I think the bit where he sings "he is so proud of you" just gets me every time. Where in Zephaniah it says "he rejoices over you in singing" I think of this song.  

♥NEEDTOBREATHE - More Time. 

SUCH AN AMAZING BAND. Just sayin' ♥ But this song is amazing in so many ways, it was the top played on my ipod for several years. It just makes me think, yeah, I'll be okay, just give me some time, I will move past this. All things must come to an end (except God's kingdom) and so the depression will do too. I just need to give it time.

♥Carrie Underwood - Jesus Take the Wheel.

This song is more of a prayer. But it very good to cry along to and just be like.. JESUS I LOVE YOU PLEASE HELP ME. Like that.

♥Carrie Underwood - Ever Ever After

If you know me even a little bit, you will know that I am an absolute sucker for Disney. I'm not sure why but they are just so much fun. But I think for one thing they give me hope. Like, the world can live happily ever after. I know that's not always the most healthiest thing to do, as we all know the real world kinda sucks, but it just reminds me to be optimistic. "Let yourself be enchanted you just might break through.."

♥Mary Mary - Can't Give Up Now

I have the lyrics of this song on my God wall. It is inspiring. And amazing. just ahhh. Insane.

♥Hilary Duff- So Yesterday

hahaa Oh I'm so lame.. It's just the lyrics "haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?"

Plus I seem to love cheesy songs.

Nicole Nordeman - Beautiful for Me.

It's just a bit of a love letter from the father really isn't it?!

OKAY. I guess that'll do for now :)

You heard my cry you, raised me up again.

The title really isn't anything to do with this post, I'm just gonna do some more stupid quizzes. Haha I'm so cool. (I totes know I'm not guys.. just ignore me.)

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No.

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks. -- and believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming nothing is exactly as it seems.

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? --- Yes

Been arrested? --- No

Kissed someone you didn't like? --- Yes

Slept in until 5 PM? --- Yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? --- No

Held a snake? --- Yes

Ran a red light? --- No

Been suspended from school? --- No

Experienced love at first sight? --- No

Totaled your car in an accident? --- No

Been fired from a job? --- No

Fired somebody? --- No

Sang karaoke? --- yes

Pointed a gun at someone? --- No

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- Yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? --- Yes

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- Yes

Kissed in the rain? --- No

Had a close brush with death --- No

Seen someone die? --- No

Played spin-the-bottle? --- No

Sang in the shower? --- Yes

Smoked a cigar? --- No

Sat on a rooftop? --- yes

Smuggled something into another country? --- No

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? --- Yes

Broken a bone? --- No

Skipped school? --- No

Eaten a bug? --- No

Sleepwalked? --- No

Walked a moonlit beach? --- Yes

Rode a motorcycle? --- No

Dumped someone? --- Yes

Forgotten your anniversary? --- No

Lied to avoid a ticket? --- No

Ridden on a helicopter? --- No

Shaved your head? --- No

Played a prank on someone? --- Yes

Hit a home run? -- No

Felt like killing someone? --- No

Cross-dressed? --- No

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? --- No

Eaten snake? --- No

Marched/Protested? --- No

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? --- No

Puked on amusement ride? --- No

Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? --- No

Been in a band? --- Yes

Knitted? -- Yes

Been on TV? --- yes

Shot a gun? --- no

Skinny-dipped? ---yes

Gave someone stitches? --- No

Eaten a whole habanera pepper? --- No

Ridden a surfboard? --- no

Drank straight from a liquor bottle? --- yes

Had surgery? --- no

Streaked? --- no

Taken by ambulance to hospital? --- No

Passed out ? ---yes

Peed on a bush? --- no

Donated Blood? --- No

Grabbed an electric fence? --- no

Eaten alligator meat? --- No

Eaten cheesecake? --- no

Eaten your kids' Halloween candy? --- No

Killed an animal when not hunting? --- No

Peed your pants in public? --- yes

Snuck into a movie without paying? --- No

Written graffiti? --- No

Still love someone you shouldn't? --- yes

Think about the future? --- Yes

Been in handcuffs? --- yes

Believe in love? --- Yes

Sleep on a certain side of the bed? --- no

Just so it only fills up one post.. ♥

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Sometimes.

2. What color is your room?
Blue

3. Are you happy with your looks?
Err yeah or not..

4. Do you enjoy drama?

Sometimes.
5. Are you a girlie girl?

I am but for some reason I seem to get along better with guys..

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
Luceeee.

7. Small or large purses?
Mine's pretty large atm actually.

8. Are you short?
Not really.

9. Do you like someone?
Hmm yes.

10. What would you do if someone smacked your butt?
Lol it depends on who it was.

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Well that's why they go in the wash innit.
12. Do you think you’re conceited?
I try not to be.

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
Only done it the once.

14. Are you double jointed?
Nein.

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Under a boys bed.

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
don't think so.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Probs.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?

I do indeed.

20. How many guys will read this just because of the subject?
I changed the subject.

[x ] I do wear make up.

[x] I have cried in a movie theater.

[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.

[x] I sometimes get jealous.

[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.

[x] I love to laugh.

[ ]I like death/grind/black metal.

[ ] I like rap.

[ ] I like techno.

[X] I like country.

[ ] I carry a purse.

[x] I’d be lost without my computer.

[x] I`ve been called a bad influence.

[ ] I own a Spice Girls CD.

[ ] I own a Britney Spears CD.

[ ] I own a boy band CD.

[] I get bored watching football.

[x] Guys are confusing

[x] My friends are the best

[ ] I have a piercing other then my ears.

[ ] I like to party

[x] I like being around friends

[x] I like holding hands


Come on ladies, be truthful!
(lol)

1. What color is your bra that your wearing?

white with pandas.

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?

Dark.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?

Indeed.

5. Do you have a best friend?

Yes.

6. Have you ever had your heart broken?

Once. it was horrific.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?

nope.

8. Do you like your life?

Sometimes.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?

Long story.

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?

Indeed.

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?

boys. It always has been that way.

14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?

lol yes.

15. What is your biggest fear?

I'd rather not say.

16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

too many times.

17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?

indeed.

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater"?

No.

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?

Yes.

Do you ever wish you were famous?

Nope.

21. Are you currently missing someone?

Yes.

THIS GUY OR THAT GUY.



Cowboy or gangster?
COWBOY. alll the way.

Preppy or punk/goth?
preppy I guess.

Face or body?
face.

Sweet or sexy?
hmmmm dunno.

Contact or glasses?
don't mind.


QUESTIONS

\
Eyeliner or Mascara? Mascara.

Pumps or flats? pumps.

Skirts or pants? depends what mood I'm in.

Socks or leggings? socks.

Hoodies or jackets? hoodies.

Heels or sneakers? heels.


Straight or curly hair? straight.

Hoop or dangling earring? hoop.

White or black? Really doesn't make a difference.

Diet or regular sodas? neither.

Pearls or diamonds? diamonds.

Friends or family couches? errr?

Lip gloss or lip stick? lip gloss.

Manicure or pedicures? manicure.

Tank tops or beaters? tank tops.

Love or peace? love.

Sunglasses or purses? err not sure.


IN A GUY...

Funny or Serious? funny.

Cute or Hot? hmmm just attractive!

Dark Eyes or Light Eyes? hmmm depends.

Long Hair or Short Hair? short. 

Curly Hair or Straight Hair? hmm doesn't matter!

Clean-cut or Rough? depends on the purpose.

Good Dancer or Good Singer? a guy who can sing and play the guitar is always a term on!

Basketball Player or Football Player? hmm football I guess. Although always about the rugby!

Jock or Rebel? Jock I guess.

Smoker or Non-smoker? non-smoker.

Drunk or Sober? Sober.

Druggie or Clean? a clean.

Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car? Oooh motorcycle!

Has a mustache/beard or clean shaven? Clean

Older or Younger? within a year of me I guess.

Stomach or Arms? Arms.

Healthy Eater or Junk Food Eater? Err not sure. I'm rather fussy!

Long Nails or No Nails? no nails.

Nice Eyes or Nice Mouth? eyes. every time.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Waheeeyyy and another one.. ♥

001. Real name → Sarah Louise Parsons

002. Nickname(s)→ Sar, Sarbear, Parsnip, Snips, Snippy, Sparsons, sparsnips.. the list goes on!

003. Zodiac sign → Aquarius.

004. Male or female → Female ♥

005. Infant School → Stoke Bishop Primary

006. Junior School → Stoke Bishop Primary

007. High School → St Mary Redcliffe and Temple School

008. Hair colour → Brunette

009. Long or short → Long? Lol.. I'm average I'd say.

010. Loud or Quiet → Depends who I'm with/what mood I'm in.

011. Sweats or Jeans → Jeans♥

012. Phone or Camera → I love my phone.

013. Health freak → lol.

015. Do you have a crush on someone? → Unfortunately. It is most distracting.

017. Piercings → Just my earlobes.

HAVE YOU EVER?

019. Been in an airplane→ Sure have.

020. Been in a relationship → Yup

021. Been in a car accident → A little one.

022. Been in a fist fight → lol could you imagine me in a fist fight?

FIRSTS:

023. First piercing → Earlobes.

024. First best friend →  Rebekah Hope Watkins ♥

025. First award → lol Winning a wordsearch competition..

026. First crush → hahaha a boy from my primary school

027. First Word → "go away"

028. First big vacation → France I thinks.

LASTS:

029. Last person you talked to → Cat

030. Last person you texted → Jon

031. Last person you watched a movie with → The girls.

033. Last movie you watched → The other guys.

034. Last song you listened to → Once Again-Matt Redman.

035. Last thing you bought → Chocolate.

036. Last person you hugged → Luce

FAVES:

037. Food → Hmmmmm... Chocolate!

038. Drinks → Ribena.. proper hot chocolate

039. Clothing → Hmm.. I do like my underwear!

040. Flower → Lilly.

041. Books → Bible. The Hunger Games. The Shack.. could go on for days!

042. Colours → Green

043. Movies → The notebook. :D Any disney film. Any romantic film. 

044. Subjects → RE. Woooot. ♥

IN 2011..... I

045. Kissed someone → I did indeed.

046. Celebrated Halloween → I dressed up for a night out.. 

047. Had your heart broken → Nein.

048. Went over the minutes on your cell phone → My contract is capped.

049. Questioned someone's sexual orientation → yup.

050. Came out of the closet → I have no closest to come out of!

051. Got pregnant → I wish.

052. Had an abortion → Noooo..

053. Did something you regretted → Yes.

054. Broke a promise → Don't think so..

055. Hid a secret → Yes.

056. Pretended to be happy → Yes.

057. Met someone who changed your life → Indeed.

058. Pretended to be sick → Probably.

059. Left the country → For holiday?

060. Tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked → lol yes.

061. Cried over the silliest thing → haha story of my life!

062. Ran a mile → sure did.

063. Went to the beach with your best friend(s) → Yes :D

064. Got into an argument with your friends → i did.

065. Hated someone → nope.

066. Done something good for someone else → Yes.

CURRENTLY:

067. Eating → Nein.

068. Drinking → Nope.

069. I'm about to → Write

070. Listening to → In Upendi- Lion King 2 (lol)

071. Plans for today → Sleep.

072. Waiting for → nothing really right now!

YOUR FUTURE:

073. Want kids? → AHHH YES.

074. Want to get married? → DITTO.

075. Careers in mind → Christian Counsellor or work in Romania.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH OTHER GENDER?

076. Lips or eyes → EYES ♥

077. Shorter or taller? → Taller, every time.

078. Romantic or spontaneous → Both. Romantic if I had to choose though I guess!

079. Nice arse or boobs → Oh totes! I love my guys to have boobs.

080. Sensitive or loud → Hmm.. both? 

081. Hook-up or relationship - Relationship, every time.

082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → Neither tbh!

HAVE YOU EVER:

083. Lost glasses/contacts → so many times.

084. Ran away from home → yes.

085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense → Nooooo.

086. Killed somebody → Nope.

087. Broken someone's heart → :(

088. Rejected someone's call on purpose → Yes :/

089. Cried when someone died → Indeed.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

090. Yourself → Sometimes.

091. Miracles → Yes.

092. Love at first sight → Yes. 

093. Heaven → Yup.

094. Santa Claus → OF COURSE! 

095. Sex on the first date → Not until marriage thanks!

096. Kiss on the first date → Ahh why not?

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Yes please.

098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → Ish.

099. Do you believe in God? → SURE DO.