A new low.

Oh wow. Really not doing all too well atm. 
When I think about my actions over the last few weeks I cringe inwardly. 
And then last night. PANTS. 
So I went out to Corporation Vodka. For those of you who know it well, you know what happens. For those who don't - basics, it's disgusting; but they sell alcohol ridiculously cheap, like £2 for a quadruple- or a blue shot or whatever it was called. So everyone around you is wasted, acting in ways I swore I would never be a part of growing up.
Did you know, when I was a little girl I used to tell my parents that I would never touch a single drop of alcohol in my life? Yeah. I was convinced I was never gonna do a thing like that in my entire life. What happened?!!?? How did I become someone I was so adamant on not becoming for years? Not gonna lie- Sometimes alcohol is really fun. Like last week for my birthday we had drinks with some friends and I was pretty drunk but I was having the time of my life. It was with people I loved and everything was fine. But there are sometimes where it has the opposite effect. This has happened twice now, and despite being able to remember everything from last night I seem more ashamed of that than I did of last month. Mainly because I'm not allowed alcohol on my medication, it makes my depression so much worse but I ignored the warning signs, and when things got worse I carried on drinking in order to forget about it all. How stupid was I?!
I ended up leaving corp around an hour after arriving in floods of tears, getting a taxi by myself, sending many drunken texts and having three of my friends in my room at some ridiculous hour in the morning while I was hysterical. I promised myself I wouldn't become that girl again. This depression has gotten seriously bad. I spend almost all my days in bed because I feel like I have no reason to get up in the morning. My days are spent wasting my life away in various silly ways. I felt horrible, I still do now, I just want to hide in a hole and wait for this all to blow over. But I know it's not going to. I enjoy alcohol, I have friends that like to drink, and my closest friends are the ones who have stuck by me throughout this whole thing despite my many freak-outs, I don't know what I would do without them. There will be so many more parties and nights out for birthdays which I'm going to want to get wasted at, but I know I can't. 
I'm not really sure what this post was about, I think I just needed to get some of my thoughts out. And I don't feel like writing and I can type pretty darn fast so this just seemed like the easiest way to go about it. I feel like I should write something positive or have some challenge so that people who read this can be encouraged. But I really don't feel that holy right now- I feel like the sinner I know I am. Did you know I got given water by the christians last night? Yeah, I was one of the people having to be blessed rather than being there handing out the water with them. In that one moment I felt completely humiliated. Like it suddenly dawned on me quite how bad I was behaving.
The good news is that God keeps talking to me anyway. Because he loves me. I have no idea why but he does and that's flopping awesome! I need to let God take this passion for alcohol away from me. I need to rely on him rather than a short-lived high from a drink. Hmm.. hopefully that'll go better than the last time I decided I was gonna be a better person.