This last week, from the 8th to the 15th of July I was in beautiful Croyde with all these gorgeous people:
It was such a relaxing week, although with mixed emotions over different parts. I could name some of the memories forever if I didn't have an alterior motive for writing this post, so instead I will carry on.
Despite the fact I was away from home and doing plenty of things that didn't give God much leeway to move in my life, he has still changed me this week into (hopefully) a better woman of God.
We went to Church on the sunday morning, to this beautiful church I can't remember the name of and people came over to us and talked to us like we were regulars, with complete joy to see us and just so welcoming. It was amazing, the worship was good, and God spoke to me through a talk that I really needed at the time. :) But then I came back quite sad, and once more, the dark clouds of self-hatred came over me once more. And stayed for a few days, but the monday evening something amazing happened. It was around 2 in the morning, and me and a friend were far too awake to go to bed at that present moment, and so we decided to go to the beach on a walk (it was literally less than 5 minutes from our house) and some of the others came with us, but we went for a walk along the sea front. It was amazing. Without even realising it I was opening up to her about things I never thought I'd admit to anyone, and we were both really honest about our relationship with God and making that decision to seek first the kingdom. Through this walk it was like a massive burden was being lifted over my head, and these fears that were holding me suddenly had no power over me anymore, because I'd admitted that they were ridiculous and gave it all up to the Father who's already defeated it all. :) It was amazing. And then we stayed up all night and watched the sunrise, which unfortunately didn't really happen because it was so cloudy, but it was still just an amazing experience.
Then on the last night, I had a little bit of Alcohol, which I already know is a silly thing to do because it doesn't take much for it to make a huge impact on my behaviour, but for some reason that didn't stop me. I still can't figure out why I do it, but someday I'll learn I guess. And me and two friends (different to the one from earlier) were about to put on a film, and before I knew it I was opening up to them vividly. I don't even know where it came from, and I burst into tears. But to save everyone listening in and to get out of the living room (it was like.. 2 in the morning and some of the guys were sleeping in there) we went outside and just talked through all my depression emotions, and the reasons behind it, and it was just. Liberating. And it was just a blessing in disguise, and although I felt awful in the morning due to having so much to drink, and had little than 2 hours sleep that night from talking for so long, it was totally worth it. Although I still have my problems, somehow being open about them made it less scary. I want to thank the 3 of my friends who this week really had my back without even realising it. Thanks for listening and I'm sorry I haven't been able to trust you in the past, it's nothing personal I promise. I love you. Just by listening you've made me a better person, and I'm sorry I was rude sometimes, again it wasn't personal. I've just been holding it all inside.
And thankyou Jesus. Thankyou for putting people in my life this week who've made me a better Christian and a better version of myself. I love you. Thankyou for working in my life even when I was so stubborn and unable to listen to you, I promise I'll try and be better from now on. I love you. I trust you. I'm not scared anymore.. or I'm trying not to be.
So for anyone who's reading this, I just want to encourage you that it's all okay. That actually, even though you may not realising it, God's working in your life in ways you could never imagine. He's right there as long as you know where to look. He's right beside you. He's putting angels all around you in the means of brilliant friends, and through the beautiful world he's created. It's okay. Learn to hope. :) love xxx
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